


Unicorn Machine

by Draqonelle



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: (Fantasy) Races, Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Demi-Saiyans, F/M, First Crush, First Kiss, Gen, Girls are Yucky, Goku is silly, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kool-Aid, Love at first sight (NOT), M/M, Male Homosexuality, Puppy Love, Underage Kissing, Unrequited Crush, Yamcha FAILS, human hybrids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-03-29 11:51:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3895324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draqonelle/pseuds/Draqonelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Chichi finds out that Gohan (Age 9) wants to marry Mr. Piccolo, very little ACTUALLY changes about the Future of the DBZ universe… but these people have issues. Has themes of homophobia for the left, homosexual relationships for the right, and adorable depictions of puppy love with your first babysitter for cynics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Unicorn Machine  
When Chichi finds out that Gohan wants to marry Mr. Piccolo, very little ACTUALLY changes about the Future of the DBZ universe… but man, do these people have issues.

Dende drinks Koolaid, Gohan plays the tuba, Yamcha tries not to trample on the hearts of women everywhere, Vegeta won’t use a microwave. But Mostly How to Marry an Alien that everyone fears.  
**  
It was almost bedtime and Goku and his son were coloring pictures on the ground. Chichi decided to get a head start on the tax returns. A great mind like Gohan’s needed a contemplative respite from his arduous studies and drawing was an intellectual past time. Even she could see that and would let him stretch his brain, as long as it wasn’t video games or Spongebob Squarepants or other such drivel. She would give him a half an hour before his Calculus lessons.  
Goku just didn’t get it. He drew strange looking creatures.  
“How fast do you have to do it?” He asked   
“As fast as you want?” Gohan shrugged. “Depending on your technique.”  
“We are done when…” Goku always was a bit transparent when he didn’t enjoy something. At least to her, but Gohan recognized the signs too.  
“When it looks right, but It is only a frog so it shouldn’t take forever to-”  
“That is supposed to be your mom,” Goku said, "The red is her lipstick."  
“Maybe if you give her eyeballs pupils...”

Goku wasn’t a contemplative sort. His respites involved sleeping on the couch when they ran out of snacks. She almost missed the days when he would train every day, and not every other day. She might whinge about it before, but one should follow their bliss. Even when they said the Androids were coming Goku would only train every other day and do a quick two hour warm up at night while Gohan was practicing the Tuba. (Music wasn’t his forte but he was so enthusiastic.)  
With Androids about to take over the world maybe, Goku should be training. But maybe this precious time was a gift to her and Gohan, it was his way of making up to her the times they lost. Doing things, he never liked, like bird watching, or astronomy star gazing… or what Goku called Nerding it Up, which was an insult. Gohan rolled his eyes.

“Yours looks cool,” Goku said  
“It is Mr. Piccolo.” Gohan smiled.  
“Yeah. He’s green who else would it be.” Goku said “. Is that you next to him? With the turban?”  
“Yeah. It is our magic cave,” Gohan said with another eye roll. She would tell Gohan to be polite to his father, but that was so hard. Sometimes it was physically impossible for a human being not to roll his eyes Goku.  
She looked at the picture, he was drawing “So Piccolo has a cave in the desert?”  
“This isn’t… this is the cave he outfits with everything you could ever desire.” Gohan was actually sounding a little snippy to her. “Because he can make matter out of thin air if he remains in a state of meditation. Over the years, his powers will no doubt sharpen into a higher state of being.”  
“A magic cave?” Goku said, “He lives in the Lookout with Kami and Dende.”  
“He can do magic. Once made me a gi. It is in the closet. It is one of my favorites.” He nodded and returned to his drawing. “He also made me a training uniform  
“That was a pretty weird ability. I didn’t know Namekians were magic” Goku said   
Chichi didn’t like where this conversation was going. She didn’t like Mr. Piccolo. She wondered why, even with his father home, Gohan would still be obsessed with the man. Why wouldn’t Gohan ignore the creepy and previously psychopathic killer the second his true father came home? She could understand Goku befriending Piccolo; her husband was good-hearted but perhaps not bright. Goku made sure the Demon King didn’t return to his evil ways. He was a primary reason for Piccolo’s continued reform, but Gohan was more intelligent than his father. (Soon he would be more intelligent than any of them.) He should see through that and at least try to avoid Piccolo. But Gohan was a more devoted than ever. He always had some anecdote about Piccolo.

“When we fall in love, I will marry Mr. Piccolo one day,” Gohan said  
“That’s nice,” Goku said, “I am going to draw just the house.”  
“What did you say?” Chichi put down her tax forms.  
“I’m going to marry Mr. Picolo.” Gohan looked up at her straight in the eyes.  
“Uh, what? Did I hear you right?” Chichi said.  
“He said that he is going to marry Mr. Piccolo,” Goku said. ”He told you a few times. You should listen to him.”  
“You don’t possibly mean that,” Chichi said  
“No, I will. Everyone has to get married.” Gohan said. “I’m going to marry him. It is obvious.”  
“You are just confused, Gohan. You got everything all mixed up. You can’t marry Piccolo. You know that, right?”  
“I’m not confused. I’ve been planning it for a long time now. I just didn’t know how to bring it up to you guys until now.”  
He took out a bunch of hidden drawings “We’ll move into a giant cave where I will support the household with my scientific grants and invention patents. I will unlock the fundamental quantum particles and retro-engineer a means of instant transmission that is accessible to the populace and possibly attain a Doctorate in Biochemistry so that I can unlock the science of the genetic potential of Saiyan DNA. While I am working, he’ll stay at home to meditate and train. Pushing his body and mind to higher and higher levels of advancement. And make sure that the Cave doesn’t get smelly. I don’t want to do that. And laundry is boring.”

“Yeah you’ll need help with the laundry,” Goku said, “I think you’d be an awesome scientist.” He said, “They are the best kinda nerds. Too bad there are bad guys in the world. You’d have so much extra time for science.”   
He took out one of his drawings. “That is why I am wearing the goggles, because of the Bunsen burners.”  
Goku nodded “That is really cool. You must think about it a lot.”

Chichi grabbed the drawing, “You can’t… You have no idea what you are talking about.” She looked at them “I don’t want you to talk about marrying that evil green dinosaur.”  
“It is going to happen. Nothing you can say will change how I feel.” Gohan said “It is my destiny to end up with Mr. Piccolo!”  
“But you are only nine years old… are you sure? You could change your mind,” Goku asked. “That is what your mom is-  
“Dad. That’s just the way things are. Little kids have to grow up and fall and love and get married and have kids.” He said. Gohan was getting upset. “It is getting late. I can’t draw all day like a baby. ” He picked up his crayons and put them away in a color code he memorized and then arranged them by length “I have a bunch of work to do before I sleep. I am going to study my Particle Physics.”   
“Gohan you forget, It is time for Calculus.” Chichi said, she didn’t like this attitude from her son. He was being quite stubborn.

“Oh really. It shows what you know.” Gohan stared at Chichi as if he was trying to kill her with a single glare “I already read the assignment while playing my tuba. I’m not a baby anymore. I’m nine!” He neatly slammed the crayons into the crayon drawer “ So there Mom.”

“You listen to me Gohan. I am tired of you being so sassy.” She said “Go to your room and reread your notes.”  
“You are the meanest mom ever.” He ran off bawling, angrily “ And my notes are brilliant.”

“Did he just rebel by reading another text book?” Goku was befuddled.  
***  
As she went to their bed Chichi was still wringing her hands and pacing. “He can’t talk to his elders like that. You see there is something wrong with him. I’ve never seen him so disobedient.”  
Goku hopped into bed under the covers in less then a second and she puttered about getting the room ready for sleep “Chichi, I think we should just relax. Gohan is a little boy. Living in a Magic Cave, isn’t real.” He said “He drew a picture of a laboratory where he is genetically engineering a unicorn.”

“That is not the point. He should be respectful of his parents. And he can’t be serious about marrying Mr. Piccolo.”  
“When I was a kid I dreamt that I would a wishing well but inside was Root beer with a golden bucket that was full of a tater tot. All kinds of things. I had a pretty crazy imagination as a kid,” He said, “It is only when we are grownups like us you realize that Vegetables will still taste like vegetables.” He said, “And you just have to swallow them and cover them in cheese. Like life. Why rob him of his dreams?”

“His dreams? he said he wants to marry an alien monster.”  
“But…” Goku tried to interject.  
“Its crazy. Piccolo is violent and killed so many people. And he’s the worst possible choice. Who could marry a mean crazy alien like him?”

“But he’s gone good. I think he might still change a lot. But…” Goku looked nervous. But Chichi was too worried about Gohan and his crazy schemes to marry a megalomaniacal tyrant, to notice her husband’s confusion. If she stopped every time he didn’t understand commonplace things, she would be old in her grave.  
“It is all that time on he lived on Namek. It has made him crazy. He has no sense of reality.” Chichi explained.   
“He was only gone for a month.” Goku said. “He’s a good little boy. That will never change in a million years.”  
“Look at that month.” Chichi said “He probably has no concept of morality.” She said “He’s not even aware he’s on Earth anymore.” Chichi got onto the bed and straightened her covers. “We can go talk to Piccolo and see what he did to my little boy.” She said, “ I don’t think Gohan should see him again until he comes to his senses. We’ll go while Gohan is studying.”  
“Piccolo lives out in the Lookout sometimes. You hate that part of town.”  
“Well this is more important. I’ll get the canteen. You can fly me on your back.” Chichi said. Then with a kiss on the lips and a flick of the light, they prepared for the next day.

 


	2. Chapter 2

***  
Dende was lonely. But that was what being god was all about. There was only Guru and Nail before, but the Lookout was completely different. There were not many of the Dragon clan left. But now Kami was gone there were even fewer chances to talk.  
He was a young Namekian and had never been on his own. There was his little twin Cargo, their prime caretakers Moori and Sihare, their indulgent superior caretaker Nudibra, their naïve but awesome sub-caretaker* Nautilus, their brood mates, their generation mates, the elders and the older generations, the outliers in their genetic string, the various species of flora and fauna that provided their DNA. (Humans called them pets, but they were only animals and Humans could not bond with plant life) A Namekian’s relationship to their society could be very involved and structured but very rewarding.  
When he was asked to go he had given up a lot to live on Earth. It must get easier and easier to be selfless.

At least he had Mr. Popo, and the Z Fighters were always dying for really good reasons so needed his help. Though he wished… well that wasn’t his bailiwick anymore. People made wishes and Gods had to help them out.  
He saw a twinkle on the horizon. “Oh Guests. This is wonderful.”

Dende was a little too excited, eschewing omnipresence and omniscience. Dende was the most reserved of Namekians, but even he smiled to himself and ran to greet them.  
“It is good to see you Goku.” Dende cried out happily and held his hand “I can have Mr. Popo make you some lunch. Or some dinner. You can spend the night.” Dende talked a mile a minute bouncing up and down.

“HI Dende. Do you know Chichi?” He introduced his wife.

“Oh my. I don’t think we met! This is great. Hello. I am Dende.” Dende bowed as was their custom but then grabbed her hand. “Stand here. You don’t want to fall down. It takes a few minutes.”

She looked down “Oh my we are up in the Clouds… I can’t believe you live up here and don’t fall down dizzy.” She had to sit down. Even the biggest toughest humans might get sea sick.  
“You were watching for us to land.” Goku smiled “I’ll bet its so boring up here.”

Dende didn’t like that Goku always said what he was thinking. Or anyone would think. But that was Goku, he never held anything back. He didn’t want to seem like he was complaining. He had no right.

“Its just me and Mr. Popo. I wish Picolo would come by more than he does.” Dende said “It would do him better to be with his people. Though maybe I am a little selfish.” Dende though Piccolo was cool. He grew up on a weird planet and was very tough. He was fused with Nail so their relationship was easier then if they were strangers. Nail liked to cheer him up when he wanted to cry. Piccolo was less friendly. At first he thought Piccolo hated him, but he saw Piccolo call Gohan mean things too. Dende shouldn’t have laughed at but were just as stupid. “He has never had a group before. I don’t think he likes it. But he is hard to understand.”  
“Piccolo!” Chichi glowered “That is why I’m here, Dende. Did you know he is gone out of control?” She perked to life. “You wouldn’t believe this!”  
Dende was shocked letting out a nervous gasp.“Is he killing people-“  
“No not that!” Chichi should have realized then she was exaggerating the situation in her mind too much, “He and Gohan are going to get married. What are you going to do about it?”

Dende was a little confused “Are you sure you heard it right?”  
“Yes, Gohan told us.” Goku said “Three times.” He looked over pointedly at Chichi “But Chichi didn’t listen very well.” He thought he was whispering to Dende. Chichi grumbled at him like an angry lion.

“What did Piccolo say?”

Chichi actually didn’t have anything to say about that. She held her tongue . Goku didn’t want to embarrass her “That is why me and Chichi came here to talk to him.” Goku said “We need to find him!”

“You might not know this. But We Namekians don’t marry like humans. Our romances are usually very brief. And we don’t get as sad as Bulma if a person wishes to end their relationship. I thought someone died when I saw her crying. We live communally to protect the young and pool resources. If only two Namekians went off on their own they might get lost or injured.” Dende said “I’m frequently worried that Piccolo will get hurt, but I don’t want to intrude upon his privacy. He’s lived alone and needs to adjust slowly.”  
“Well that is all well and good but what does that have to do with Gohan?” Chich asked.

“If Piccolo wishes to live with another I would be very surprised. He likes the quiet.” He said “But it would be a happy occasion if he wanted to be more social!” Dende said. “That means he is getting in touch with his Namekian heritage.” 

“He is going to marry my son.” Chichi balled her two fist and glowered.

“A human?” He said “Marriage doesn’t seem like his style. The only reason people pair off two by two is because of that weird thing you do with your genitals.” Dende accused. “Very insensible and messy.”

Dende thought that Piccolo more like the older boys in his generation mates or a cool sub-caretaker, not ready to have eggs of his own. Piccolo was so obviously a natural caretaker but he still wasn’t ready for every responsibility. He was a very faithful guardian to Gohan. Prime caretakers would have to have at least one junior sub-caretaker to help in the duties, unlike on Earth. (Sometimes on Earth siblings even raised their own or strangers of a different genetic strain, How barbarous) Usually prime caretakers worked in small teams. On Earth this was generally the duty of only romantic couples. Though Nameks saw romance as a bit too chaotic to base their future upon, successful human romantic couples could be terrible “parents”  
Piccolo was a bit young to contributing his own genetic material to the group. He didn’t even like sitting down for a bit of small talk. How would he teach a baby how to function in society and in the sorld. Until he was more emotionally mature he would have to just wait.  
It was out of this Piccolo flew in from the west.

“Yeah how is it going Piccolo.” Goku said. “Dende and me and Chichi were waiting for you !”  
“We were supposed to be training on your mountain! ” He said “At 8 o’clock in the morning. Most of us left at dawn to get there.”  
“Well I had to take Chichi to find you.” She said “I thought we’d get back in time.”  
“While you and your son are playing ring around the Rosie, we have work to do” Piccolo was livid  
“Remember Gohan isn’t training with us anymore.” He said “I promised Chichi!”  
“Cut the intrigue! I don’t care what you tell your prissy little wife. Everyone was there except you! Even Launch stopped by today and Punched Krillin in the face. She drove away immediately, but at least he showed up. And she didn’t promise to be on time. You are such an idiot.” Piccolo grit his teeth.  
“I’m sorry I’ll get back tomorrow and help out.”  
“We brought Koolaid. Its like water but colored.”  
“Gross.” Piccolo wrinkled his nose. Dende had been there. Gohan had told him it was blood of a faery and Piccolo almost believed it. After his tongue turned bright red and they both laughed hard as Piccolo tried to wash it with soap and water. Gohan was so good at funny pranks.

Goku pouted like a little puppy. Piccolo tried not to slap him “But If you brought sweet lemon water stuff.” He muttered under his breath.  
“Sure. Nothing is better than lemonade on a hot day”  
He gave Piccolo the entire plastic canteen of sweet lemonade, which Piccolo greedily swallowed. Dende smirked. Piccolo was letting his Earth background show. He took great pleasure in the sweet flavor that he could never admit. That is why Gohan brought him Koolaid to trick him into drinking the whole bottle. Piccolo looked at the little basket.

“Are those things cookies?” Piccolo asked.

“Sure! Chocolate chip! Store bought? You want some?”

“No,” Piccolo shook his head “Could you please just turn your head when you eat them?” He licked the lid of the canteen “I’ve gotten used to Watching Gohan eat, But chocolate is…Its just sort of…disgusting. It resembles something… unclean.” Piccolo made a face. “Just doesn’t seem right.”  
“I thought you lived in a cave. But you live up here in the clouds. Gohan said...” Chichi said.  
Piccolo tossed the canteen aside. “Gohan is under the impression I care about my material form to the point I would coddle it with the trappings of civilization. While I need no power but my own spiritual and mental energy to sustain myself.” Piccolo said.   
“I don’t understand this parenting thing.” He said “Gohan can survive using nothing but his wits in even the harshest environment.” He said “You don’t have to protect him anymore.” He said “If I were you I’d give up my life of quiet desperation and pointless housework to train for the androids. They’ll be a lot more dangerous. We’ll need more help than ever. You could be on the front lines with the other humans.” He said.  
“You think she’d be the first to die.” Goku said “You say the same thing to Oolong.”

“Sacrifices must be made.” Piccolo said.  
“Don’t listen to him Chichi…” Goku said “You should only fight the Androids because that you want to do?”

“Androds? Koolaid! Could you focus, Goku? We are not here for snacks.” Chichi was tired of pussy footing around the namekians. She came here for a reason. To give Piccolo a piece of her mind.“My son wants to marry you.”

“What?” Piccolo said, then as he set down his lemonade the wind blew. But it wasn’t in it was Gohan flying at Top speeds.

Gohan arrived  
“If it isn’t you? What are you doing here? Mom!” Gohan asked Chichi, with just a little too much anger.  
“Me? You are supposed to be studying Industrial revolution.” She said.  
“I finished the chapter on Crop Rotation. And thought I would go for a flight.” Gohan said “I didn’t know where you guys went.”  
“You can’t fly intercontinental distances without telling us.” Chichi said “It’s in our rules. Why did I write them down on the poster board… for my health?”  
“I was just going to the Lookout,” Gohan said. “It wasn’t going to take more than a few hours.”  
Goku sighed. This was pretty dumb of Gohan. Goku remembered how long it took him the first time he came here to see Korin, he almost got hurt when he was almost a teenager. Gohan traveled quickly and soon he probably would come instantly. Gohan was almost as fast as Goku was now and Gohan was only a little boy. “You can’t disobey the house rules.” Goku said “You have to tell us when you leave the house.” Maybe Gohan was being bad because of his bad example. Goku had died a few times without permission and Chichi was very upset.  
“Next time I am getting you a tutor.”  
“I don’t need a tutor. I’m autodidactic.” Gohan was a bit crabby.  
“Autodidactic?”  
“It means self taught.”  
“Then you need a baby sitter if you are going to act like a baby and complain all the time.”  
“Baby sitter.” Gohan said “I’m not a little kid. I saved the Dragon balls. What did I do wrong? Why are you mean to me?”

“Hi Gohan.” Dende waved “Your dad brought snacks. Would you like to eat them with your face hole?” Dende tried to relax. He knew that Saiyans loved to eat food more than other humans.  
“Zip your Lip Dende?” Piccolo pushed him aside “You want to marry me?” Piccolo asked confused boy

Gohan straightened his lapels “Yes.”  
“Your mom told me. Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“I was waiting until the time was right… It didn’t seem romantic to do it too early. Did you want me to do it before we were ready? So that you wouldn’t have to see me cheat on you?”  
“What?”  
“Do you want me to ask you today? I could ask you today”  
Piccolo frowned and screwed up his mouth. The Namekian warrior “Nope.” He shook his head. He had to think about it “Nahh. I don’t want to do that. I’d rather train.” He said “I have no time for romance.”  
“Yeah” Gohan said as if he was smarter then everyone else. “I knew it was a bad day to propose marriage.”  
“That’s not what I meant-“  
“I should do it at a fancy dinner or in a baseball stadium or something special…”  
“That’s not what I meant at all. You shouldn’t ask me to get married.”  
“Thats cause I have to convince you that I’m not just a charming slacker,” He said.   
“What are you talking about?” Chichi asked.  
“Its way too obvious to me what is going on. At this point Piccolo probably has a fiancé; A rival who is better looking and richer than me, but secretly he’s a sociopath.” He looked over at Piccolo “You are blind to that fact. No one else likes him because he’s trying to buy out the small town we all live in.” Gohan explained in a manner so condescending even Goku had to get annoyed with his tone “Because you have trouble making decisions on your own, because you’ve never cultivated your inner life. Because you were trying to have it all, but missed the most important thing. Being married to me.”  
“Have you just described every bad romantic comedy you ever saw?” Mr. Popo said  
“So what do you say? I know I’m an idiot and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. But from now on I’ll always be honest.” Gohan got on one knee “But Will you marry me?”  
Piccolo’s jaw locked in pure rage “No thank you Gohan.” His teeth grit “I don’t want to marry you.” Piccolo tried to be polite and almost didn’t sound like he was going to barf. It was an achievement in the history of transparent hollow proposal rejections.  
“Well I know you aren’t going to agree at first. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fun. There would be no story. We both have to go through a character arc.” He said  
“I am not… I don’t know what a character arc is. But I am training. I don’t have time for that.”

“I know that Mr. Piccolo isn’t much on paper mom. But if you don’t like him who do you want me to marry? Yajirobi. The stupid cat. Maybe I should marry the oldest guy in the universe…Bulma since she broke up with Yamcha? I can take her to the little old lady lessons.”

“When we are older. Me and Mr Piccolo will be a very hot couple.” Gohan said   
“What?” Chichi looked confused. “But he’s fully grown up and you are a little boy.”  
“That’s right. That’s why I couldn’t marry Bulma instead of you. She was way more then 4 years older then me.” Goku said “He’s only 12.”  
“What? 12” She looked at his tall body his giant muscles and his scowling face.  
“He only was 3 years old in the World Tournament. He was younger than me.” Goku said “He said if I didn’t tattled I could keep my record as the Youngest to fight. Still the Youngest to win though.”  
“You promised you wouldn’t bring up my age. My body is that of a full grown warrior.”  
“But you didn’t know what chocolate chips were.” GOhan said  
“Not everyone needs to know such trivial things.” Piccolo said  
“You thought that butterflies were a species of flower.” Gohan said “You couldn’t operate a steam iron without screaming at it. You tried to paint a fieldmouse. Bulma asked you if her haircut looked stupid and all you said was ‘YES’”  
“I am still older then you. I taught you everything I know about fighting.” Piccolo was getting a little cross.  
“You protected me. You are my best friend. And why shouldn’t we get married. We could keep doing that forever.” Gohan said.  
Piccolo was trying not to lose his temper. “My species doesn’t have gender. I am not a boy or a girl. Why would I need a husband?”

“I’m the only Demi-saiyan. I’m even Rarer.” He said “You know what it’s like to be the only one of your kind.” Gohan came closer, “And don’t tell me that you don’t know what marriage is. We can cohabitate. There were millions of Nameks living communally. And even The Guru had Nail and Dende.” He said “It’s like when you pretended that you didn’t know what mittens were so you could steal mine when we went to Canada and didn’t tell my mom.”  
“I don’t want to live communally its too noisy. Okay for fighting or training or if you have a problem to solve. But not every day.”  
“I don’t think we’ll get a church wedding anyway since I am a male, half-alien. And you don’t have a penis and are God’s evil twin.”  
“I don’t wanna get married.” Piccolo repeated.  
Gohan got to his knees “Please Piccolo. Please be my wife.”  
Piccolo groaned.

The second Gohan groveled at Piccolo’s feet something snapped in Chichi’s mind.“You are NEVER…. No. You will never get to marry my son.”  
“I don’t want to.” Piccolo grumbled

“You don’t realize that love is all powerful mom.” He said “Mr. Picolo was sent into my life for a reason. And when you realize that you will be sorry.”

“Gohan! I want you to be reasonable. You can’t think that this is a good idea”  
“Yeah cause I don’t want to marry Gohan.” Picolo said to himself apparently 

“I think it’s a best idea. For me to marry the person I love. It is meant to be.” Gohan was furious now. “You said yourself the course of true love never did run smooth. And Aren’t you glad that I found the perfect person. Instead you call me a silly baby.”  
“You are a silly baby. And I won’t let you mention it ever again.” Chichi said “I mean it Mister. If you say one more word you are going to regret it.”   
“Guys please. Don’t be mean. You are mother and son!”Goku stood between them “You two have to calm down.”  
The pair of them glowered at Goku “NO”  
“He is being a bad little boy.” Chichi grumbled “He should apologize to treating his mother like he does.”  
Gohan had never heard his mom talk like that. He was very hurt. He thought his mother thought he was good. They had a fight in the past but she never thought he was bad.  
“He called me a mean mom… A mean mom.” Chichi crossed her arms.   
Goku held them back. “Well you wouldn’t say mean things if you would just calm down. Why are you two so mad?  
“Because she’s being mean.”  
“Because he’s being bad.”  
Goku covered his ears “Gohan you go home and think about what you did? Your mother and I have stuff we gotta do.”  
Gohan was on the urge of chubby bitter spoiled tears when you are too angry to think of anything else to say. Even more bitter because they were pointless.  
Goku really needed to separate them and made sure they calmed down the next time they talked. But they were both so hurt at the others angry words. He was embarrassed as the Namekians stared at them. He was embarrassed, the man who once tried to wash his face in a gravy boat.  
Chichi watched her son. He could be so aggravating. What was coming over him. Why was Gohan so mad at her? What had happened to their perfect happy little family? They used to have so much fun together. She’d read to Gohan and he loved her so much. Now it seemed he was so strong. And even more strong he didn’t care about her feelings.  
How could anyone call their mom mean? That was the worst thing you could say. It was like a knife in the heart.

“If they wish to be together, I approve Goku.” Dende said “Piccolo grew up on Earth and it is good that he will have a husband in the custom of the Earth People. We can have a big wedding. And then Gohan can move in. It will be more like home.” Dende mused aloud “There is plenty of food. That would be a lot of fun. And we could drink koolaid and play videogames… when I can”  
“He can’t play videogames! He has studying.” Chichi said “I will never approve this marraige!” She made a strong gesture in the air.  
“Of course. I wouldn’t- But my cosmic powers I could grant him omniscience. I could send him to reaches beyond human understanding.” Dende used his Junior staff to summon a small galaxy betwixt his canny hands swirling with starlight and life in a churning compression of time.  
“All existence can be unveiled in its glorious panoply of-  
Goku stared at the magic universe stunned  
“Is that going to help his GPA?” She swatted the swirling nebula away “He’s trying to get into Orange Star High One day!”  
“I don’t know. But I can make that happen…” Dende said.  
“That would be dishonest. He must work hard to be good enough on his own.” She said “If that means he can’t be a chubby loser eating potato chips all day I’ll take the risk.”

“Fine.” He said “You are his caretaker. You are his mom. Forget I said anything.” He dismissed the galaxy to float around the Lookout to go about its own business until its accelerated heat death and it exploded in a cloud of harmless fireworks. “I guess I’m supposed to be a little lonely. It wouldn’t be fair to do all those favors for him.” Dende sat down and watched the wind. “Just because he was someone I liked.”  
“It does get lonely at the top.” Goku said “But you are a good Boy Dende. I’m glad you are training to be the new God.”  
“It will give me more time to help others I guess.” Dende tried to smile through his frustration.  
Goku ruffled his antennae. “We’ll be back soon. Sorry for the fight.”  
“Its okay Goku… I’ve seen worse.”  
After the fight was over there would be nothing left anyway. He would be left alone in the world, with the wind blowing the tiles of the look out. The silent rays of the gentle yellow sun and the sound of a insect. There was so much more it could be filled with.  
Goku took Chichi home and soon no one remained but Piccolo and Dende.  
Piccolo sat along side Dende. Perhaps he could stay for a little while. Not that he would make a habit out of it.  
“I don’t want to marry him. He better not ask me again.” Piccolo shouted at his retreating form. grabbing the kool aid canteen and handed it to Dende.  
They weren’t two for small talk.  
%%%%  
**  
Goku was in the bed, quickly as always. He never had any trouble shaking off his day. He just didn’t understand what it was to have a sleepless night on behalf of his own child.  
Chichi was quiet. Gohan was locked in his books, not pausing to eat and heading to bed on his own. He might have been too mad to show his face and that meant no supper. Mealtime was family time.

Goku poked her arm when he realized she was upset and put the quilt on her  
“Think of it this way… Piccolo will never go evil if he marries Gohan. So Gohan will help protect the world,” Goku said.  
“He can’t marry that man. I don’t care if he is twelve. That is a man.   
“Gohan doesn’t see it that way. Piccolo isn’t like anyone I ever met. Sometimes I think that is why we are friends. We help each other learn. He is a good almost-a-man anyway.”  
“It’s just not right. It’s sick and weird and what about grandbabies? What about Gohan’s Future? What if he gets hurt or killed fighting and-”  
He learned better then to tell Chichi to calm down.  
“Whoa slow down.” He said “Grandbabies are easy. Gohan said that they can make a clone baby, during our Nature walk. Once they get the unicorn project done. Or they can find a baby in the woods. You know I was found in the woods.” He said   
“How could I forget?” Chichi said arrogantly  
Chichi stared at the ceiling trying to come up with a brilliant solution. But Goku wasn’t going to be able to use some pretty words to fix what was going on. She shouldn’t have expected much out of him. It was her job to look after Gohan.

“I never thought I’d say this but. Maybe our baby is taking after his Saiyan side. They mature faster then humans. Maybe there is something wrong.”  
“That makes my poor precious Gohan want to get married and live in a cave. Did you ever want to do that?”  
Goku didn’t have many deep ponderings about the state of marriage in the modern world. But with his platform he just decided to say what he think. Even though he didn’t really think about it  
“I didn’t know what marriage was until I was older. Krillin explained it to me. He said it was something awful and I would never have fun again. That my wife would whine and nag and want to go shopping instead of fight. But you only want to go shopping a little bit of the time and you let me do what I like. I think Krillin’s just scared and sad he isn’t married. But he’s not old like Grandpa so maybe he’ll meet a nice person that will be a good wife.” Not like Piccolo. Gohan seemed to set his sights on him so far “My Grandpa didn’t get married. He used to tell me that I was his last chance to have a child. I didn’t understand that. I thought it meant babies were very rare, like dragon balls. I guess that means he never found anyone to marry that he liked enough, even though he traveled around the world. I don’t know if that is happy or sad.”  
Goku looked at her “If my Grandpa didn’t find me in the woods I might have died. Or caused an apocalypse.” He realized something “If Gohan and Piccolo find a baby it might stop the apocalypse too. And isn’t that all we can hope for? Ending the apocalypse?”   
Chichi stared at him. Goku held her pretty hand. He liked looking at her hand next to his hand, and his feet next to her feet. It was just something that made him smile. He wanted to see her smile. “So even if the very very very worst thing happened you could ever imagine, there would be some good out of it.” Goku kissed her hand “And I love you.” He held her in his arms, hoping that despite all her worries, she took comfort in his warm embrace and-

“Why do even I even bother letting you talk, Goku? ” Chichi stared at him as if he was wearing a clown nose. “This is Gohan’s future.”

Goku crossed his arms, letting his wife go. His mouth began to pout. “Well I’m sorry for breathing. I just thought that…”  
“Look let me do the thinking.”  
“I don’t know anything about Saiyans getting married in caves. Maybe we should ask the other Saiyan.”

“That’s it Goku, You meanVegeta.”  
Goku had never thought of that. He wasn’t a genius though. Chichi was just exaggerating “Yes. He might help. If he’s not mad…”  
“You are basically no help in this situation, silly”  
Goku frowned at her “Then maybe you should go see Bulma and Vegeta on your own. So I don’t ruin it.” Goku’s voice wasn’t sarcastic, but bordering on the edge. He sounded like an insensitive doltin Chichi’s opinion. Like he didn’t care that Gohan was acting like a little delinquent.   
“No we’re both his parents…” Chichi said. “Just don’t say anything dumb. Let me do the talking. You just sit there”  
“I’ll do whatever you say Chichi. You are the boss. You better figure a way out of this mess soon.” He said “All this fighting is giving me a stomach ache”

“Its so embarrassing my own son’s stupid love affair, making us crawl to Vegeta on our hands and knees begging him for help.”

“At least we can get cookies this time.” Goku frowned and snapped off the light. “I thought Dende was going to have a heart attack when he saw the chocolate chips.”


End file.
